Fernweh

“The ego separates what is real. It helps us to organize our thoughts and make sense of them and the world around us.”
I think that my ego is broken.
I can no longer separate reality from the non-reality of what has become my life.  The unreal is suddenly the real and the ability to think clearly, making distinctions has completely disappeared.  Few things make sense; ideas come and go and I try desperately to hold onto them.  My mind wonders constantly.  I am distracted by beauty, distracted by inspiration, distracted by love.

“But somewhere in the heat of magic that boundary between word and thing ruptures. It cracks, and the one flows back into the other, and the two melt together and fuse.”
-Lev Grossman

As time passes, as the leaves change color, fall to the ground and the air becomes crisp and damp, I find my mind fusing with another.  I find my heart melting, into a puddle.  This constant battle between heart and mind.  I never give into my mind, i never want it to win over my heart, because I don’t like what it tells me to do.  It acts on its own, out of some kind of non-love — some kind of ability to make me stop living.  My heart understands me.  It helps me to create, to understand and to listen.  It pushes me towards a reality that is bearable, a reality that offers happiness.
I no longer have control over my heart, and my mind understands.  It has accepted this as reality.
My heart races because of another.  My heart wins because of another.  My inspiration, my passion, my reality, is another.

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