inside-out hoodie.

“The breathing, sensing body draws its sustenance and its very substance from the soils, plants, and elements that surround it; it continually contributes itself, in turn, to the air, to the composting earth, to the nourishment of insects and oak trees and squirrels, ceaselessly spreading out of itself as well as breathing the world into itself, so that it is very difficult to discern, at any moment, precisely where this living body begins and where it ends.”

Sometimes, I don’t understand where I begin and where I end. This, as I have learned in the past, leads to confusion. I think that over the past few weeks I’ve come to understand what confusion means. How mis-communication can put so many things into motion that one never intended to. How it takes not just two sides for a story to be complete, but all sides of a story. I’ve discovered how so incredibly interconnected we all are, on some level or another, groups of friends have so many intricate inner workings that it leaves me in amazement of the human ability to form friendships in the first place. We are constantly trying to understand each other, when sometimes all we need to do is understand ourselves. We want to escape that sort of self-realization that comes with introspective thought in order to think about other situations that are happening. We take ourselves for granted, pretending to know what we are all about, how we will react, when really, each new experience is making an impact us in ways that we don’t fully understand or see when they are happening. Only when we look at the situation from a different perspective, step away from it, can we start to see ourselves as being changed—as growing new branches to reach out to new parts of us—parts we knew were there, but parts we didn’t really [want to] understand.

I’ve felt very connected to people in new ways over the past month or so. Like I said before, I think I’ve gotten to know myself a bit better. But new connections are always a little bit like getting into a hot bath. At first, it is startling, but as you sink into it, it gets better and better. That’s how things have been progressing. Slow at first, but amazingly wonderful as it has moved along. It is a great feeling to really be able to understand—to have a connection that seems to transcend normal understanding. To not only learn about your relationships, but yourself in return, because of those people.

As I get ready to leave in a few months, I’m constantly reminded about how little time I have left here in the States, at least for awhile, and about how little time we seem to have in general. How to squander it is to let ourselves be somehow tricked. I’m feeling very much in the mind set now of “tell everyone everything you want to tell them” don’t let anything pass through your mind that you don’t act on. No thoughts about love. No thoughts about hurt or pain. Not thoughts about fear. Engaging those thoughts in life is what it is all about. Taking charge when it is difficult to do so. Not trying to escape from them, not trying to run away from them or denying them, but acting on them. Talking. Loving. Crying. We’re all in it together.

0 thoughts on “inside-out hoodie.

  1. The immediacy of your departure looms constantly at the edge of my thoughts. I need to be with you. To sit with you in a place that is home to both of us or neither of us, to listen to Sigur Ros, to cry with you, get high with you, and then laugh through our tears. You are forever and always my dear, dear friend. That’s the closest thing to reality I can manage.- L

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